cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
There are no pants in heaven.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.