Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
12653.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.