“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
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I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song