pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
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“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!