“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”