ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
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Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
They got a point!
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
yea so i messed up lol
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?