The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
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Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*