I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
dads on road-trips be like