Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
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Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.