Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
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On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.