If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
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[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
britain’s three elite institutions
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.