Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
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SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Now this is how you LinkedIn
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.