[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
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“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Cardio Made Easy
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”