Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
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AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
i actually laughed 😩
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing