You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
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using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
“i miss shittin on people”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Does this dress make me look cat?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama