1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
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I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock