Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
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i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine