Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
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(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
okay run it by me one more time
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My Plans 2020
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.