Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
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Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here