Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
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The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”