I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
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Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
We decided to have money instead of children.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.