I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.