The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
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The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.