[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
You Might Also Like
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard