Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
tis the season
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.