I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
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Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I’ve had worse
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.