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Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
the simulation is moving too fast
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.