Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
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“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Europe. Made in Germany.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules