My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
You Might Also Like
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Well, that should do it
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences