Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
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remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.