A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
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dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community