One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
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Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.