MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
You Might Also Like
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?