if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
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Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
waiting for halloween be like:
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.