For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
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If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
be careful