Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
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Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
not for long
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”