It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
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Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
The first one, obviously