I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked