NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
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Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
What personal space?
My dog
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it