[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?