A customer told me they were never coming back….
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I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.