“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
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Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
waiting for halloween be like:
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.