My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
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What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
*puts cutlery down*
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God