Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
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Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Blew my mind.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.