Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
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I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
hi why am I like this
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses