With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
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My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Somebody’s lying.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together