Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
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Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Flowers bee like
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?