Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
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INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.