Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
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people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
2023 was just a warmup
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.