One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Never be a pizza!
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”